Breaking news – PDA isn’t all about Autonomy. (Gasp! Heresy? Actually – good news!)
Sun 15th Feb 2026 4pm UTC / 6pm SAST / 11am ET on Zoom
Yes, Autonomy is very key to PDA but, it’s really just the easiest of the core needs to spot.
This means it’s had more focus than is helpful when we’re trying to support our young PDAers and feeling lost because we gave them a choice or put them in charge and that made things worse instead of better, huh?
Have you noticed that when your PDAer sees other people doing something ‘better’ than they can, or tries something and finds they’re struggling to get it right, there’s a price to pay? That’s Competence. And have you noticed how much it helps to just hang out together and co-regulate? That’s Relatedness and Safety. What happens when your child feels like they’re not respected, worry about how other people see them, or feel like they have to bow to a social hierarchy, how does that go down? That’s Dignity. When we focus only on Autonomy we miss so many Ah-Ha’s and opportunities for effective support.
Please don’t let financial need stop you from attending this. If you can’t afford to buy your ticket here in my Shop you know you can email me as always at TheShiftWillCome@gmail.com (google doesn’t care about capital letters but I’m learning it can help human eyes!)
Hope to see you there!
DONATE HERE! THANK YOU Most of my work is pro bono, and what I charge for stays affordable for all in need, thanks to YOUR generosity
“It’s so comforting and helpful and soothing to hear other parents going through the exact same scenarios and struggles. These conversations blow my mind because they give me so much guidance and truly help me.” – Unschooling Mom T.H.
Morning Je’anna.
I had a moment yesterday I wanted to share with u…
I was spending time with J in the afternoon, not doing anything specific, kinda just chilling and chatting, and he was laughing so hard – u know the kind of laugh that comes all the way from the bottom of the belly?! He was laughing so much and he was so happy a thought struck me:
I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. ✨
So thank u for u and what u bring to our world. 🙏🏻
Ur guidance is invaluable. 🌈 (Taryn, SDE for PDA mom)
“I am SO grateful … to connect with people who are not responding in devastation and crisis (as so many parents new to PDA – understandably – are) but with a valuing of what these interesting, unusual children bring to the world and to our families. It makes it so much easier to be calm, to see what is fundamentally important (and what isn’t) and to see things in terms of opportunities rather than losses … ” PDA parent H.M.
Group Support for SDE for PDA continues for 2026 with monthly live calls and in-your-own-time text forums in Discord – this is an ongoing group for PDA families exploring SDE/Natural Learning/unschooling as well as Democratic school staff and SDE Facilitators supporting PDA in their settings, you can sign up here or contact OurShYftCommunity@gmail.com for financial assistance as on principle no PDA family is ever turned away for purely financial reasons.
One-on-one mentoring for Unschooling for PDA. If you are exploring Unschooling as part of your family’s PDA solution, private mentoring is now available on a monthly basis, great for getting started, transitioning, or dealing with tricky times. You can get more information and sign up by scrolling through Membership Options here
Standalone personal support calls for Unschooling for PDA spot-coaching are also available to help you get over occasional wobbles. You can find out more and book your calls here
Why my pricing strongly incentivises attendance at group calls vs 1-1: I have limited time to give and prefer to have as many families as possible benefit from each hour, plus experience has shown me that one of the most precious things a PDA parent can access is connection with other PDA parents – people who totally ‘get’ what you’re dealing with; plus, there is no expert as capable as collective wisdom – group calls are rich with mutliple insights. And, sometimes 1-1 is just what you need, and then pricing helps subsidise inclusion for the group-call families, many of whom are single income and single parent homes, due to the nature of PDA.
What IS PDA?
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, a neurotype that makes it hard to comply with ordinary everyday demands.Je’anna Clements reframes this as “Perceived Demand Anxiety” because the core dynamic of PDA is that when something is Perceived as a Demand, even if other people don’t intend as such and can’t see how it can be interpreted that way, Anxiety escalates, making it increasingly difficult to comply.
This can mean that even slight interference with Autonomous Motivation, even implied pressure to learn something, can make it impossible for the PDAer to tackle the learning task. This makes mainstream education approaches an extremely bad fit. Self-Directed Education is a blessing for any child, but probably an absolute necessity for PDA kids.
Appropriate support for PDAers in all life circumstances including SDE settings is crucially important – and seldom achieved without significant effort to understand how PDA actually works.
PDAers are generally very kind, considerate, playful, creative, deeply just and generous people, blessing us with the complex depth of insight necessary to create truly non-coercive spaces and practices. They can catalyse deep personal growth for those who engage them, and bring about profound healing in family relationships. They can also act as litmus-tests to help SDE facilitators and facilities reach best practice standards.
However, the price of this gift is a hyper-sensitivity to particular kinds of stress that can put them into fight/flight/freeze states in circumstances that most other people don’t even see as stressful whatsoever. The anxiety, vulnerability, panic and pain of the PDAer often only become visible once effective support begins. The tragedy that unfolds as a result, is that from the outside, PDA can just look like depression, extreme anxiety, OCD, ODD, trauma, mood swings, bossiness, entitled brattiness, orneriness and extreme willful obstinacy, with bouts of inexplicable collapse or ‘unpredictable’ explosive, extreme or even violent behaviour. For these reasons PDAers (and their parents) are almost always misunderstood, judged, and inappropriately treated to the point of trauma, even in SDE spaces. The more that the PDAer is mishandled, the more things escalate and the worse things get.
Trauma-informed practices and Horizontal Communication approaches can help significantly, but only a clear understanding of PDA specifically, brings the understanding that is necessary for support to be effective and for experience and behaviour to become manageable for all concerned.
If you do not have access to an official diagnosis but believe that you may be dealing with PDA, Casey Ehrlich offers a free recording of her ‘Clarity’ webinar with a lot of general insights on PDA.
It can also be useful to first try a simple strategy for dealing with Enneagram Type 8. “When you disagree, make deals. I know that this is also counter-intuitive, but this is what feels fair to an 8. When the 8 is adamant about his or her truth about what is or isn’t fair, don’t back away, don’t back down and don’t assert dominance. It will only trigger a huge power struggle that you can never win. Instead, make a deal. Say something like: “Ok, you win this time, next time it is my turn.” Ask him or her to give his or her word. Then whatever you do keep your word. The 8 will then feel compelled to keep his or her word and will reluctantly comply when you remind him or her of the deal the two of you made. And never back away from this, ever.
Begin with little deals, then the bigger deals as the 8 grows up. Teach that a true leader has power because they keep their word.” Full article by Katherine Fauvre here
Assuming that you manage to be consistent with this strategy, it might work briefly for a PDAer, but if it continues to work as time goes by, then not only will you have solved your problem, you will also have the insight that it’s unlikely actually PDA, because while PDA might be able to do this sometimes, it will increasingly become a pressure to do it because now it’s the respected routine thing. So for type 8 this will get easier and smoother, for PDA it will increasingly stop working.
For general support around PDA Je’anna recommends that you check out the extensive resources available through the PDA Society explore the work of adult PDAers Kristy Forbes, Sally Cat, and Julia Daunt – they also do consults as does PDA parenting coach Casey Ehrlich ; you could choose to join a Facebook support group (there are several, with different feels, so you may want to audition a few).
If you are an unschooling parent or SDE facilitator or want to explore these options for supporting PDA, here is an introductory video on Supporting PDAers in Self-Directed Education Je’anna’s specialty is the intersect of PDA and SDE/Unschooling. Je’anna does not consult on PDA parenting that includes trying to achieve mainstream school attendance or curricular homeschooling, however, unschooling is a lifestyle rather than only an educational approach, so support around SDE for PDA does take all family needs and situations into account.
Group Support for SDE for PDA continues for 2026 with monthly live calls and in-your-own-time text forums in Discord – this is an ongoing group for PDA families exploring SDE/Natural Learning/unschooling as well as Democratic school staff and SDE Facilitators supporting PDA in their settings, you can sign up here or contact OurShYftCommunity@gmail.com for financial assistance as on principle no PDA family is ever turned away for purely financial reasons.
One-on-one mentoring for Unschooling for PDA. If you are exploring Unschooling as part of your family’s PDA solution, private mentoring is now available on a monthly basis, great for getting started, transitioning, or dealing with tricky times. You can get more information and sign up by scrolling through Membership Options here
Standalone personal support calls for Unschooling for PDA spot-coaching are also available to help you get over occasional wobbles. You can find out more and book your calls here
SDE for PDA – there are several free, public videos on this playlist to help you get started with SDE for PDA
Adapting Your SDE Setting
to Support PDA
This call unpacked some useful ways that an SDE facility can prepare for a new PDA student signup
Past events:
Join me together with Casey Ehrlich for a free online workshop on 2nd Nov 2022 at 6pm SAST, 12noon ET, 4pm UTC. We will be taking a good look at what PDA is, what SDE is, and why Self-Directed Education is so helpful for Pathological Demand Avoidance. You can book direct with Miami Sudbury School or contact me on theshiftwillcome@gmail.com Although the session is free, if you are able, please make a gratitude donation for this session, to Riverstone Village SDE learning community in South Africa, Many thanks!
UPCOMING: supporting SDE for PDA at home/unschooling, Sat July 16 at 5.30pm SAST, $50, booking essential please contact theshiftwillcome@gmail.com to book or to arrange a discounted rate (no PDA parent should ever go without support merely for financial reasons!) Please view the recording of the foundational call here before attending this call.
I am excited to be joining Harry Thompson, Eliza Fricker and Laura Kerby’s USA event in Miami 2nd November 2022 – I will be Zooming in to present a session on SDE for PDA. Tickets are available here
UPDATE – sadly due to slow ticket sales, Harry&co had to cancel their Miami trip due to needing to cover physical travel costs. HOWEVER, the fabulous Casey Ehrlich and I will Zoom in to be there for everyone who was hoping to attend, see above!